Conditioning

Over the span of two weeks I've looked at apartment listings, visited one, and by some amazing stroke of luck had found the perfect place at the perfect price in the neighborhood I've been dreaming about living in for ages. Anyone who lives in this city knows how ridiculously difficult it is to find a comfortable apartment in a safe area that's actually affordable, and the fact that I actually managed to do so makes me feel as if it's too good to be true.

I always imagined I'd be overwhelmingly excited to have the opportunity to get out and be on my own, but now that I have no choice but to face the reality that I really am leaving, a lot of very uncomfortable emotions have surfaced instead. Codependency and its related issues, as well as guilt and depression, are all coming through more than usual. Self-doubt is also screaming for attention. I'll have to truly accept that I can't save my mother from her own demons, and that no amount of logic will ever overpower her hoarding instincts. Aside from that, I'll also have to face the likelihood that my own issues are still going make getting through each day challenging, albeit less challenging than they are right now.

Before starting therapy, I'd never given much thought to the more subversive forms of negative conditioning that could be a factor in why I still struggle with things that are, in my opinion, very simple. Certain landmines are especially difficult to identify until they've already been set off, while others are known but seem uncontrollable once triggered, like some kind of Pavlovian response. I still struggle with being confident that I can function on my own, that I can be independent, or that I'll be able to survive. Being depressed is still a constant, regardless of being able to find peace in an environment that isn't chaotic or unhealthy. The idea of having people come over, which I haven't been able to do since I was very young, still brings forth all kinds of anxiety even if I won't have to worry about hiding my mother's big secret anymore. The list goes on, and on, and on.

Only time will tell how living somewhere else will turn out.