My favorite color is grey. My first color of choice for clothes, shoes, and everything else one can possibly own is usually some variant of grey. So why am I having so much trouble finding it in intangible things like relationships and friendship? Seeing life in black and white absolutes has left me with no other option than to consciously learn how to find the grey area between perfection and failure, too little and too much, or completely broken and positively normal.
I've never been the type of person to willingly divulge anything personal to anyone I hadn't already known for a very, very long time. Even then, opening up was and still is difficult. I had learned to hide everything. Every emotion, every fear and even most of my own basic needs beyond food. At a young age I decided I was going to be an independent person and do things on my own, because no one else was there to do them for me. I was determined to be self-reliant because relying on someone else left too much up to chance. The result was a disaster. The very idea of a deep emotional connection to anyone was terrifying, because it meant I'd have to let them in and let them see the true me. I loathed the 'true' me, and by my twisted form of logic, I figured everyone else would too.
At the moment, I'm attempting to work through my own issues while simultaneously managing to survive in a house so cluttered that only two of the nine rooms are livable. The kitchen is not one of those two, and growing up in the chaotic environment of a hoarder mother and abusive father exacerbated everything. I've suffered from OCD for a very long time; rituals and the need to count everything in multiples of four became full-blown neatfreakness. Introversion morphed into codependency, and instilled in me a fear that opening up and making my unhappiness known would result in everyone finding out the horrible truth and blaming me for it. It took years to come to terms with the fact that I wasn't doing as well as I thought, and maybe getting some professional help really was the only way I'd be able to figure out how to get past whatever had been holding me back.
It didn't take long after starting therapy to realize that I'd spent the majority of my life as an emotionally stunted individual, and started to feel as though I'd been missing out on a lot of basic things that most people don't even give a passing thought. Things such as telling someone close a deep, dark secret and not being immediately ridiculed or invalidated for it.
I expect this process to take a long time, considering it's only been nine months thus far. But maybe one day in the not too distant future, I'll be able to move on and move the fuck out of here so I can concentrate on living a 'normal' life.
