In the last ten months since beginning therapy, my opinion on several things concerning myself has been questioned and even reconsidered. Am I really as unintelligent, ugly, or annoying as I feel I am? I've been told the opposite on different occasions, and yet my own opinion of myself has stubbornly remained the same.
Through a lot (and I mean a LOT) of introspection, I've come to realize that my understanding of self worth is very skewed, and tied directly to feelings of depression rather than some immediate outside source. Regardless of how often someone tells me their opinion is very opposite from my own, I still loathe myself deeply. It ebbs and flows with the depression, worsening when I'm feeling at my lowest. Yet even on good days it's still there, just not so overwhelming to the point that I begin to question the point of my own existence. I often wonder what's preventing me from moving on from this, which has undoubtedly held me back from achieving all the things I'd like to eventually accomplish. It causes me to fall into old patterns of self-sabotage, and what's worrying is that I'm still comfortable in that state. It's familiar in all its dark doom and gloom, like an old sweater that I just can't bear to throw away for some inexplicable reason.
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