Adjusting

In spite of having spent the majority of my life dealing with chronic depression, there are still times when it manages to surprise me in ways I would've never expected. Even when surrounded by loved ones on a day that's supposed to be a happy occasion, such as today, depression is a distracting presence even while I'm doing something I enjoy. In the process of discovering how to allow my 'true' self and emotion to show through, I've also discovered that it's becoming more difficult to hide the things I used to be all too good at hiding; anxiety, self-consciousness, sadness, and exhaustion to name a few.

Although I know it's not a terrible thing to show negative as well as positive emotions, I'm still adjusting to the idea that I can be myself around other people. I haven't quite gotten to the point of no longer feeling as though the world is separated between two distinct entities: 'me' and 'them'. How is it possible that even with a group of close friends I still feel like an outsider? Clearly logic can't apply to any situation dominated so thoroughly by negative thinking.

But, on a positive note, I've realized the recent spike in depression wasn't enough to overshadow everything. Being able to not only feel love, but feel loved in return is something new. What I had been experiencing before was a watered down version in comparison, apparently. It had been that way with everything except depression and self-hatred for a very long time, and I imagine the probable numbness to other strong feelings was a side effect of already being at my limit emotionally. I'm sure there were other factors involved, such as being afraid to allow anyone in and being too scared to open up, but I think it's safe to say that's no longer the case.

In all, I've felt overly emotional and conflicted ever since I moved out, but I don't regret it. I have no choice but to face the codependency issues with my mother head-on, and have just come to truly realize how bad the house was compared to living 'normally'. Now that I have a calm place to go to when feeling overwhelmed, everything else has become much easier to handle.