Breaking

Getting my life in order has proven to be much more difficult than I thought, and although two major events have improved it in ways that were once unimaginable, the anxiety has been at an all-time high in spite of the progress I've been making. I experienced a complete shutdown for the first time in a very long while, and found myself unable and simply not wanting to speak to anyone or do anything for several days. Interaction with anyone felt pointless, and thoughts of no longer wanting to exist have come back. Anger has returned as well. I'm told this is probably the result of directly challenging myself to live in a way completely opposite to what I'm used to. I now have the freedom to be open, sociable, honest, and no longer have wear a mask to hide who I am. If all of these things are nothing but positive, why does it feel so terrible?

What's most concerning is the fact that good experiences only help for a short time, a day at the most. After that, depression and self hatred find their way back into every waking thought. It seems uncontrollable. It's impossible to feel like I've made giant leaps in the right direction in spite of being told so by those whom I trust most. I find it difficult to avoid defining myself by their opinions, only because I feel I can no longer trust my own terrible opinion of myself.

As far as my current environment goes, it's helped immensely in calming down from the panic attacks that have been  happening almost daily. Calming down wasn't even an option in my mother's house. However, I keep catching myself in moments of dread any time I see a mess, regardless of how small. It's hard to avoid thinking I'll turn out like my mother just because I left something on the kitchen table rather than putting it away immediately. This fear arises with the most mundane things, such as noticing a pile of unfolded laundry my roommate happened to leave behind on the sofa. Seeing the sink full of dishes that were not mine. Finding dust on the kitchen counter. An endless list of things that most people don't care much about, and yet OCD mixed with the fear of becoming a hoarder makes it torturous to see anything out of place.