Now that everything has fallen into place and nearly all of the packing is done, I've had a lot of time to think. Usually, this isn't a good thing; I tend to focus too much on negative thoughts rather than positive ones. It's become difficult to remember that even small things have the potential to make life better, or to think of what things could become if given a chance to grow. Deeper friendships, a better relationship, all of it seems so distant while I feel so emotionally numb. With worsening depression has come the instinct to recoil back to the emotional wall I used to be so comfortable hiding behind. Speaking my mind and opening up once again seem pointless, and it's been so much easier to go through the motions than to continue experimenting with being open and connecting with people.
It's strange to think I used to feel secure, even briefly happy, although that was six months ago. I felt capable of opening up to people and wasn't afraid of it. Now, I feel the complete opposite. My theory is that a lifetime of being treated a certain way by both of my parents, as though I had always been incapable of making decisions and was inappropriately emotional, is the underlying cause of it. Why else would all of these old feelings come up with such a vengeance if it wasn't because I've been challenging the false identity I've worn my entire life?
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